Here’s a letter to myself while in a deep and dark depression… from my happier self.
I want you to know you are still and always my favourite person. Even in the dark, confusing depths of depression, I can see you trying so hard. Trying to help yourself, help others, help your family; make dinner, make the bed, make your hair pretty; clean the house, clean the garden, clean the toys. Just remember, you are enough. You are.
You feel like there’s something wrong, but you don’t always know what it is. There’s a reason why you can’t find laughter at the end of a good joke; why you don’t want to be with your gorgeous friends; why parenting feels relentless and tough; why you’re feeling more distance than ever between you and your incredible husband; why you’re jealous of everyone with a smile. Go find a professional right this minute and talk it through. It’ll come to you and you’ll have help. Win win.
There are so many signs for you to be outside, your intuition tells you daily to get your bum on some grass, sand between toes, hands on flowers, head in the sunshine. Go and do it. Please.
When someone hugs you, holds your face in their hands, asks you what’s wrong, don’t feel weak. It’s okay to crumble. It’s good to cry. Just be honest about how you’re feeling. If you can’t lift yourself out, let other people help you. That’s exactly what friends are for.
You don’t need to be perfect all the time. Scrap that. You don’t need to be perfect, ever. You don’t need to fit into what other people expect from you. Just be you, whatever shape that looks like today. Stop fighting yourself. Stop resisting. Drop the guilt. Ask for help. Eat the chocolate. Pat the dog. Or don’t. Just stop agonizing over everything.
Tune into it. Whenever something is going on that’s putting you out of balance – a foggy head, an angry heart, a sore back, a crampy tummy – imagine what it looks like. Tune into it completely. What shape and size is it? Cloudy or clear? What colour? What else is going on? This is a good reminder that it’s not you, it never was you, it’s a thing and it will go away. Breathe into it and let it flow through you.
Take those vitamins. You know that drawer of vitamins you have? Take them. Start with Vitamin D3 and a multi and let your intuition guide you through the rest.
I love you, and you’re going to be okay. But right now, you are enough.